I don't celebrate, but whatever floats your boat.
So. I told my dad to fuck off.
What did I learn from this?
That I was correct in the assumption that he doesn't give a rats ass about me or how I feel.
Told him I wasn't coming to his wedding, and he replied with "ouch".
I replied to this with my "fuck off" speech, which was basically just a statement on how I needed to separate myself from him and my sister, wished him luck with his life, and explained to him that I can't/WON'T pretend to have a good relationship with him for his wife or friends, because that's never been the case... I don't pretend.
Had I gone to his wedding, I'd have a hard time not at least going up to his fiance and telling her to run.
How did he reply?
He didn't.
Not One Word.
Not a "Sorry you feel that way, i love you"
Not a "Please don't say that, that's not true."
Not even just a simple "=("
Absolutely nothing.
When your 28 year old daughter tells you she's done with you in her life, and you don't fight it AT ALL it's very obvious that you don't give a fuck.
So. Yay. At least I was right all these years.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Fuck. I wish I wasn't right.
I wish somewhere deep down my dad was a human being who had emotions and empathy for others.
Fuck.
This has been the shittiest last 4 or 5 days for me in a long time.
Bleh.
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Valentines day rant!
Hey, how are you? Glad to hear it!
I'm great, thanks for asking.
So, the other day I got an invitation to my fathers wedding.
Yup. My dad is getting re-married.
I'm 99% sure his new wife and my mother "overlapped" but that's neither here nor there.
I finally met this woman, (I really wasn't interested in doing so)
and, to be honest, I pity her.
She's got money, a bunch, but is the quiet, submissive, mousy type.
And my father is taking advantage of her already.
When the house that him and my mother owned finally sold, rather than find his own place for him and his other daughter, he simply moved into his girlfriends house, leaving him no longer having to pay a mortgage, or rent, or for anything really.
He informed me though, that there's a prenup, and that everything will be split between my sister and I. He then added "If i even have any left by then. hahaha.")
Ha indeed. He can now spend all his money with really no consequences now that he doesn't have to worry about bills and such.
In case you don't remember the time I vacationed with only my father and sister, I shall remind you.
My father is a sociopath. He cares for no one, never really has, but is great at pretending that he does. I'm not sure if my father even has complex emotions, but i've never had a reason to believe that he does. (he sort of reminds me of Frank Underwood from House of Cards, except I think Frank may actually care for at least SOME people...)
This poor woman, probably a nice lady, just lonely and getting older... Sigh.
Anyway, the point is, i'm not going to his wedding.
If i did, in all honesty, I'd be the one to stand up and say "Don't do it! He's fucking crazy!" when the priest or whoever asks if anyone has a reason the two shouldn't be married...
I had really hoped that one day he'd snap out of it, suddenly care about someone other than himself, but the last few times i've spent time with him it has been very obvious that that would never happen.
I don't know what happened to my father to make him this way, but he's been like this for as long as I can remember.
Blah blah blah, sorry for the rant... I'm just a little sad, and a little angry, and a little frustrated...
Ugh.
<333
I'm great, thanks for asking.
So, the other day I got an invitation to my fathers wedding.
Yup. My dad is getting re-married.
I'm 99% sure his new wife and my mother "overlapped" but that's neither here nor there.
I finally met this woman, (I really wasn't interested in doing so)
and, to be honest, I pity her.
She's got money, a bunch, but is the quiet, submissive, mousy type.
And my father is taking advantage of her already.
When the house that him and my mother owned finally sold, rather than find his own place for him and his other daughter, he simply moved into his girlfriends house, leaving him no longer having to pay a mortgage, or rent, or for anything really.
He informed me though, that there's a prenup, and that everything will be split between my sister and I. He then added "If i even have any left by then. hahaha.")
Ha indeed. He can now spend all his money with really no consequences now that he doesn't have to worry about bills and such.
In case you don't remember the time I vacationed with only my father and sister, I shall remind you.
My father is a sociopath. He cares for no one, never really has, but is great at pretending that he does. I'm not sure if my father even has complex emotions, but i've never had a reason to believe that he does. (he sort of reminds me of Frank Underwood from House of Cards, except I think Frank may actually care for at least SOME people...)
This poor woman, probably a nice lady, just lonely and getting older... Sigh.
Anyway, the point is, i'm not going to his wedding.
If i did, in all honesty, I'd be the one to stand up and say "Don't do it! He's fucking crazy!" when the priest or whoever asks if anyone has a reason the two shouldn't be married...
I had really hoped that one day he'd snap out of it, suddenly care about someone other than himself, but the last few times i've spent time with him it has been very obvious that that would never happen.
I don't know what happened to my father to make him this way, but he's been like this for as long as I can remember.
Blah blah blah, sorry for the rant... I'm just a little sad, and a little angry, and a little frustrated...
Ugh.
<333
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
2014 is coming to an end!
Jesus fucking christ, I never post here anymore... Fuck me right?
Ha.
Well, anyway. What a fucking year. Adventures to California and Nevada, meeting three of my mods and a fellow camgirl. Losing my bestest doggy friend, adding a new kitty friend to my list of animal bb's, actually dating someone... What a year indeed.
And so marks the end of 2014, I can honestly say I've had more adventures in these last 12 months than ever in my entire life, which is sort of saying something... I'm an adventurer at heart.
In about a week, perhaps less, I shall be moving. My mother is finally in a place where I feel comfortable leaving. It's taken a LONG time, but she is doing much better now, both emotionally and financially. I am quite proud of her.
I shall be moving in with Troy and his gf. For those of you unfamiliar, Troy is my best friend in the whole world, we have been friends for 10 years, been through thick and thin, and have always maintained a good friendship. He's one of the few people I can live with (you guys know I find most people annoying, right?) I'm pretty god damned excited!
This also means MORE CAMMING! Both Troy and his lady know I'm a cam girl, and have no judgement about it. (Troy's track record with women has been decently shitty, this one is actually a genuine and kind person, which warms my little heart!) So be prepared for me to be online like... FOUR WHOLE TIMES A MONTH instead of my usual 3.
Okay, i'm joking, I genuinely believe that I will be logging on more often...
Oh fuck, what if i don't... i'll feel so bad... except that I won't... HAHA!
But seriously, I will. I promise. Kind of.
Anyway, about the new place. 3 bedrooms, of which i'll probably end up in the smallest one because i'm little like that, but the 3rd room is going to be a game room, which I may also cam from. We'll see, nothing is truly set in stone of course.
MY BED JUST ARRIVED!! AHHH! I'm a little too excited maybe, but i've been sleeping on a twin bed practically my entire life, and now I finally have a grown up queen. SWOON!
Alright, well this has been mostly rambling, but you love it, so take it!
Love you guys, always. <3
Zoos
Ha.
Well, anyway. What a fucking year. Adventures to California and Nevada, meeting three of my mods and a fellow camgirl. Losing my bestest doggy friend, adding a new kitty friend to my list of animal bb's, actually dating someone... What a year indeed.
And so marks the end of 2014, I can honestly say I've had more adventures in these last 12 months than ever in my entire life, which is sort of saying something... I'm an adventurer at heart.
In about a week, perhaps less, I shall be moving. My mother is finally in a place where I feel comfortable leaving. It's taken a LONG time, but she is doing much better now, both emotionally and financially. I am quite proud of her.
I shall be moving in with Troy and his gf. For those of you unfamiliar, Troy is my best friend in the whole world, we have been friends for 10 years, been through thick and thin, and have always maintained a good friendship. He's one of the few people I can live with (you guys know I find most people annoying, right?) I'm pretty god damned excited!
This also means MORE CAMMING! Both Troy and his lady know I'm a cam girl, and have no judgement about it. (Troy's track record with women has been decently shitty, this one is actually a genuine and kind person, which warms my little heart!) So be prepared for me to be online like... FOUR WHOLE TIMES A MONTH instead of my usual 3.
Okay, i'm joking, I genuinely believe that I will be logging on more often...
Oh fuck, what if i don't... i'll feel so bad... except that I won't... HAHA!
But seriously, I will. I promise. Kind of.
Anyway, about the new place. 3 bedrooms, of which i'll probably end up in the smallest one because i'm little like that, but the 3rd room is going to be a game room, which I may also cam from. We'll see, nothing is truly set in stone of course.
MY BED JUST ARRIVED!! AHHH! I'm a little too excited maybe, but i've been sleeping on a twin bed practically my entire life, and now I finally have a grown up queen. SWOON!
Alright, well this has been mostly rambling, but you love it, so take it!
Love you guys, always. <3
Zoos
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
The way I work.
As most of you know, I'm more of a loner than anything else.
I keep to myself, only allowing a few people who have managed to get on my good side to spend time with me. I work best alone, rather than in a group. When i'm in a group, I tend to let people work how they like, and I simply pick up the slack. After working with a group, I don't feel pride in whatever we have worked on, as in my eyes it hasn't come from me.
It's the same reason I don't have many tattoos, i'm not willing to have something on me that isn't from me and only me. I don't want to give an artist an "idea" and then they whip something up for me, I want to design and create every single detail. It is going to be MINE AND MINE ALONE.
Perhaps that's a flaw of some sort, to be honest I'm sure it's gotten in the way of accomplishing some things in my life. But I really enjoy it. I love being able to be proud of something that comes only from me, my brain, my hands, my mind, my idea. It's wonderful, though happens rarely since I often abandon halfway through after deciding that I'm simply not good enough for the task I've put out for myself.
One way in which it deters me is in camming, I hate camming when there are people in the house. Sleeping people I can deal with, but would rather not. I prefer to cam when i'm 100% alone. Some of you may remember my old apartment, that was me when I was alone... I feel like It was more fun back then.
Perhaps another reason I used to have more fun on cam, was that I didn't have an HD cam. I know that I don't broadcast in HD, because my netbook doesn't quite have the strength to do so, but on my own screen I still see a very clear and detailed broadcast of myself. Maybe most models don't do this, but I watch myself very closely while I cam. It's very important to me to know exactly what i'm putting out there, and it's exhausting. If i feel like i don't look good, i don't feel good. No matter what anyone in chat is saying, my opinion of myself reigns supreme, and impacts how i feel about both the camming session and my own looks. Back when I was just using my netbooks webcam, minor details that i would normally scrutinize wouldn't be visible to me. Besides using the lesser cam, I also didn't have my monitor, and thus saw myself much smaller, making details less obvious to me. Shrugs.
Camming is really the worst job in the world for me. One day i'll make really great money just hanging out and having fun, then 3 days later no one seems to be interested in tipping and I'm making minimum wage trying to convince people to buy videos... But i love you guys, so i'm sticking with it. Atleast until I somehow manage to figure out what I really want to do in life and find myself a real job. Ha.
Alright fuckers, thanks for hanging in there with me.
I wonder how many people will read this entire thing.
Tweet me the word "Cuntosaurus" and i'll post a video of me taking a huge bong hit for the first time in 2014 and send it to you.
Love youuuuuuuuu!!!
<3 zoos
I keep to myself, only allowing a few people who have managed to get on my good side to spend time with me. I work best alone, rather than in a group. When i'm in a group, I tend to let people work how they like, and I simply pick up the slack. After working with a group, I don't feel pride in whatever we have worked on, as in my eyes it hasn't come from me.
It's the same reason I don't have many tattoos, i'm not willing to have something on me that isn't from me and only me. I don't want to give an artist an "idea" and then they whip something up for me, I want to design and create every single detail. It is going to be MINE AND MINE ALONE.
Perhaps that's a flaw of some sort, to be honest I'm sure it's gotten in the way of accomplishing some things in my life. But I really enjoy it. I love being able to be proud of something that comes only from me, my brain, my hands, my mind, my idea. It's wonderful, though happens rarely since I often abandon halfway through after deciding that I'm simply not good enough for the task I've put out for myself.
One way in which it deters me is in camming, I hate camming when there are people in the house. Sleeping people I can deal with, but would rather not. I prefer to cam when i'm 100% alone. Some of you may remember my old apartment, that was me when I was alone... I feel like It was more fun back then.
Perhaps another reason I used to have more fun on cam, was that I didn't have an HD cam. I know that I don't broadcast in HD, because my netbook doesn't quite have the strength to do so, but on my own screen I still see a very clear and detailed broadcast of myself. Maybe most models don't do this, but I watch myself very closely while I cam. It's very important to me to know exactly what i'm putting out there, and it's exhausting. If i feel like i don't look good, i don't feel good. No matter what anyone in chat is saying, my opinion of myself reigns supreme, and impacts how i feel about both the camming session and my own looks. Back when I was just using my netbooks webcam, minor details that i would normally scrutinize wouldn't be visible to me. Besides using the lesser cam, I also didn't have my monitor, and thus saw myself much smaller, making details less obvious to me. Shrugs.
Camming is really the worst job in the world for me. One day i'll make really great money just hanging out and having fun, then 3 days later no one seems to be interested in tipping and I'm making minimum wage trying to convince people to buy videos... But i love you guys, so i'm sticking with it. Atleast until I somehow manage to figure out what I really want to do in life and find myself a real job. Ha.
Alright fuckers, thanks for hanging in there with me.
I wonder how many people will read this entire thing.
Tweet me the word "Cuntosaurus" and i'll post a video of me taking a huge bong hit for the first time in 2014 and send it to you.
Love youuuuuuuuu!!!
<3 zoos
Monday, February 17, 2014
Ashley
What more can be said that hasn't already been told? Nothing...
An arrest has been made (her roommate, who can be seen in a few photos up on Ashley's twitter...), and the news said she "Died of violence" so I can only assume...
It breaks my heart.
I'm generally a nice person, but it takes a lot for someone to really get on my good side, and she was on my good side...
She was one of the few other girls on cb who would come into my room and actually just hang out.
And she was one of the only girls who's room I felt comfortable in while she herself was broadcasting, sometimes you can just tell that the girl broadcasting doesn't want another model in her room, and Ashley wasn't like that... She was so happy to see me...
Most of you know i'm from Ohio, as Ashley is. We had talked about meeting up sometime, maybe get on cam and maybe not, we hadn't really decided. Wish we would have.
She was the only female to have my kik, i enjoyed the booty pics she often sent me.
I miss her already, she was so fucking young, just a baby... she wasn't sick, she wasn't old, she wasn't dying... Her life was stolen selfishly from her. It isn't fair.
What sucks is that she was a better friend to me than some friends I've had for decades... I wish I would have met her, it sucks that I only have internet and texting memories of her.
Mourning has ruined my sleep schedule, which was already ruined but now it's worse.
Fell asleep at 10pm and woke up at midnight, haven't been able to fall asleep since then and it is now 2:30am... And i'm just sitting here, bawling every 5 or 10 minutes.
She did not deserve to die the way she did...
She was a Laveyan Satanist, which is one of several regions identifying as satanic. Followers are atheists who stress dependence on ones SELF rather than the reliance of any outside power.
To her, Satan was a myth, just like God and other deities.
So don't pray for her, she wouldn't have wanted that.
Just live the best life you can, learn to rely on yourself, focus on your individualism and self determination!
Above all, remember her as she was, always.
An arrest has been made (her roommate, who can be seen in a few photos up on Ashley's twitter...), and the news said she "Died of violence" so I can only assume...
It breaks my heart.
I'm generally a nice person, but it takes a lot for someone to really get on my good side, and she was on my good side...
She was one of the few other girls on cb who would come into my room and actually just hang out.
And she was one of the only girls who's room I felt comfortable in while she herself was broadcasting, sometimes you can just tell that the girl broadcasting doesn't want another model in her room, and Ashley wasn't like that... She was so happy to see me...
Most of you know i'm from Ohio, as Ashley is. We had talked about meeting up sometime, maybe get on cam and maybe not, we hadn't really decided. Wish we would have.
She was the only female to have my kik, i enjoyed the booty pics she often sent me.
I miss her already, she was so fucking young, just a baby... she wasn't sick, she wasn't old, she wasn't dying... Her life was stolen selfishly from her. It isn't fair.
What sucks is that she was a better friend to me than some friends I've had for decades... I wish I would have met her, it sucks that I only have internet and texting memories of her.
Mourning has ruined my sleep schedule, which was already ruined but now it's worse.
Fell asleep at 10pm and woke up at midnight, haven't been able to fall asleep since then and it is now 2:30am... And i'm just sitting here, bawling every 5 or 10 minutes.
She did not deserve to die the way she did...
She was a Laveyan Satanist, which is one of several regions identifying as satanic. Followers are atheists who stress dependence on ones SELF rather than the reliance of any outside power.
To her, Satan was a myth, just like God and other deities.
So don't pray for her, she wouldn't have wanted that.
Just live the best life you can, learn to rely on yourself, focus on your individualism and self determination!
Above all, remember her as she was, always.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Bleh.
I always seem to find beauty in every single thing but myself.
That's normal, right?
It's been a rough week for me, my wisdom teeth are starting to push all my teeth together, so every other day my mouth simply aches for hours... Hopefully setting up an appointment soon, but seeing as I have zero dental coverage I'll be paying for this for a while...
Heat in the car went out, as I was driving home from a friends at 1am... Not a fun experience. Put some oil and coolant in her and the heat was better, but I dropped her off for an oil change and the mechanic is gonna take a look...
I love my stratus, she's been there for me when I needed her and gotten me to where I need to be, but she's 13 years old and has over 187k miles, and I doubt she'll last me another year...
Thanksgiving is next week, and it's looking like it's just going to be my mother and I... Depressing huh?
And yay! Christmas! Only this year, not really. The only person in my immediate family that is financially well off is my father, so Christmas has basically been cancelled. woot...
I'm a pretty upbeat person, but there have been so many negatives pushing me down recently...
It's become harder and harder for me to look at myself and think "Pretty!"
Even now that i've (sorta) learned to apply makeup, I just seem to find flaw after flaw after flaw... WTF?!
I didn't used to be like this, I mean sure I didn't think I was hot shit or anything like that, but I always thought I was adorable... Now i feel just "Bleh"
I'm not trying to complain to you guys, or get some sympathy or a pity party... Please no pity party, I hate them, I just wanted to get it all out there... I didn't want to keep just mulling it over in my head for the next few months.
One (possibly) good thing has happened though, my best friend (who I recently stopped talking to, due to her getting back together with her heroine addicted, drunk abusive ex) recently got back in touch with me, apologizing for how she pushed me away when I was just trying to be a good friend.
He's out of rehab, and has been working full time and helping her fix up an apartment they just began renting, and he's been clean and sober for two months now... So i'm happy for them, and I hope he can stay on this path. So, with time I think i'll have my best friend back.
Here's hoping you guys have wonderful holidays this year, get to see your family this Thanksgiving and Christmas, and give and receive gifts from the ones you love!
I love you guys, you've kept me sane. I mean that...
That's normal, right?
It's been a rough week for me, my wisdom teeth are starting to push all my teeth together, so every other day my mouth simply aches for hours... Hopefully setting up an appointment soon, but seeing as I have zero dental coverage I'll be paying for this for a while...
Heat in the car went out, as I was driving home from a friends at 1am... Not a fun experience. Put some oil and coolant in her and the heat was better, but I dropped her off for an oil change and the mechanic is gonna take a look...
I love my stratus, she's been there for me when I needed her and gotten me to where I need to be, but she's 13 years old and has over 187k miles, and I doubt she'll last me another year...
Thanksgiving is next week, and it's looking like it's just going to be my mother and I... Depressing huh?
And yay! Christmas! Only this year, not really. The only person in my immediate family that is financially well off is my father, so Christmas has basically been cancelled. woot...
I'm a pretty upbeat person, but there have been so many negatives pushing me down recently...
It's become harder and harder for me to look at myself and think "Pretty!"
Even now that i've (sorta) learned to apply makeup, I just seem to find flaw after flaw after flaw... WTF?!
I didn't used to be like this, I mean sure I didn't think I was hot shit or anything like that, but I always thought I was adorable... Now i feel just "Bleh"
I'm not trying to complain to you guys, or get some sympathy or a pity party... Please no pity party, I hate them, I just wanted to get it all out there... I didn't want to keep just mulling it over in my head for the next few months.
One (possibly) good thing has happened though, my best friend (who I recently stopped talking to, due to her getting back together with her heroine addicted, drunk abusive ex) recently got back in touch with me, apologizing for how she pushed me away when I was just trying to be a good friend.
He's out of rehab, and has been working full time and helping her fix up an apartment they just began renting, and he's been clean and sober for two months now... So i'm happy for them, and I hope he can stay on this path. So, with time I think i'll have my best friend back.
Here's hoping you guys have wonderful holidays this year, get to see your family this Thanksgiving and Christmas, and give and receive gifts from the ones you love!
I love you guys, you've kept me sane. I mean that...
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Those "UGH" days...
Every woman has them, those days that you look into the mirror and just think "UGH"... THOSE DAYS SUCK!
I had that day yesterday, and i'm half having that day today...
I don't think i'll ever have them as bad as most women do, I never had a killer body, I never had the time to be "sexy".
Growing up, I never tried to have any sexual appeal. I had 32B's by the time i was 12, and I wasn't happy with them. They got in the way!!! They made people look at me!! Boys wanted to touch them!! (ewwww)
I was a tomboy through and through, I still am.
So, when I finally reached the age of sexiness, it was a little too late.
Now that I was old enough to use it properly, I didn't really feel like I had it anymore.
While my tummy was flat, and my ass was round, they were both covered with stretch marks, which will remain there FOREVER.
Well YAY!
My breasts have done well, i've seen much worse, but it still saddens me that I can't expose even the tiniest of cleavage without my scars showing...
I even have them on my insides of my knees!
So i suppose, in some way i'm lucky. I've only felt sexy while these scars resided on my body, so I probably have less of a problem with them than most women do...
Still, if there were some magic surgery that erased stretch marks I'd be ON THAT SHIT!!!
Anyway, I just wanted to rant a little bit...
Love you my bb's.
I had that day yesterday, and i'm half having that day today...
I don't think i'll ever have them as bad as most women do, I never had a killer body, I never had the time to be "sexy".
Growing up, I never tried to have any sexual appeal. I had 32B's by the time i was 12, and I wasn't happy with them. They got in the way!!! They made people look at me!! Boys wanted to touch them!! (ewwww)
I was a tomboy through and through, I still am.
So, when I finally reached the age of sexiness, it was a little too late.
Now that I was old enough to use it properly, I didn't really feel like I had it anymore.
While my tummy was flat, and my ass was round, they were both covered with stretch marks, which will remain there FOREVER.
Well YAY!
My breasts have done well, i've seen much worse, but it still saddens me that I can't expose even the tiniest of cleavage without my scars showing...
I even have them on my insides of my knees!
So i suppose, in some way i'm lucky. I've only felt sexy while these scars resided on my body, so I probably have less of a problem with them than most women do...
Still, if there were some magic surgery that erased stretch marks I'd be ON THAT SHIT!!!
Anyway, I just wanted to rant a little bit...
Love you my bb's.
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